A piece of missing puzzle.

Tears of sorrows, 
Falling from the tip of the hill,
and down towards the river.
The lost piece,
The lost soul,
That cannot be replace.


I've lost of direction,
I've lost of passion,
I've lost a piece of puzzle of you,
I really miss you.


Wondering one day,
I will recover the piece of puzzle,
Wondering the chances,
Of having you close to me.


I know when I think of the incomplete art work that I have,
It will reminds me how things are like to be in the incomplete world without you by my side, but memories that left behind.


I know I cannot undo the obvious, but hoping a slim chances that I will find you once again. 


Hopefully. :)

Vision

A path with measurement, a length that counts every step our life could be better, better then others.

Some how, things are unpredictable, you cannot foresee what is going happen.

Yet wishing the best in our-self, hoping things will turn out all right.

Convincing every step we made was the top from everyone,

Life truly is a challenge and making it worth living is trusting yourself to let go.

Tell it to yourself be happy and don't worry, well I am not sure it will works, But frankly saying I really hope it work every time I use it.

Every one is living in lies, that they created and to cover up their S*it in life.

You can deny it, but the truth it you know yourself better.

You are the one living in your life, you made choice of planning your life.

you created a vision, achieved it.

note to self, you are better then most of the people. 

so appreciate what I have. 

Be great-full and mind full. 

loosen yourself :p and smile!

  

if you don't act on what you want, you'll never get what you want.

acting out the thoughts and feeling in your mind and telling what it in you.

believing in yourself upon your feeling is not a wrong action, and getting your act into your own thoughts.

making judgement and statement to other people is all up to the individual, 

 never doubt the feeling that you have, by standing out and not acting out what you want and how you feel.

is just not right.

pleasing everyone is not a "the plan" but knowing the true feelings that running down your blood streaming towards your mind. you can't control it.

sometimes is denying the true fact is what you believe in, is just not what you want to.

knowing my act, thoughts and feeling is just there. 

if it end just like that, it would be a waste.

we stand for our rights.

the incident of july 9th 2011.

A historical day for all Malaysian, A day that truly 1Malaysia. An action that speak louder then words.
What we as a Malaysian want, a fair and clean election. Looking at the video, and listening to the interview that our dear ministry have spoken, what a shame.
We are multicultural country, and we stand together as Malaysian, just to walk and support what we believe is good for Malaysian. To a better change.
As far as I could see, the royal police force whacking and catching those who are not armed and shooting tears gas to our Malaysian civilians. WHAT A SHAME!!!
We are a democratic country, and we have the rights to demonstrate our rights, what nonsense is this, we are not allowed to wear a yellow shirt, cause is a crime. We have to register to have a meeting in a stadium.
  
In 1957, we Malaysian achieved what we want as a country. Freedom.
And in this 21st century, the greed's of one man that control our economic, our freedom of human rights.
We "the rakyat" we want a better change.

We want a clean and fair election.
We don't want to see the educational system change every 5years.
We need a change for better not for worst.

shallows thoughts 7-5-11

Life ain't always a rainbow shining brightly over the sky.

It means you can't please everyone needs, yet you need to please yourself.

There is countless DO's and DON'T in life, for different people different DO's and different DON'T. 

I'm living my life under my own footsteps not yours, not hers niter is his. 

Why do I need to pleased you..... just to make you feel better than mine?!!! 

I could say this OUT LOUD.... life is unfair!!!

Words are weapons, it can hurt you and it will heal your pain, I believe that every words that came out, you can't take it back.

I have a dearest godmom that pass-away 5years ago, she told me, if you make a mistake you have to take courage to face you mistake, but if you say words that your not mean to say, you can't take it back, if you promise anything to anyone you have to fulfill it with because promise is a strong word to use it to someone.

It don't make any sense back then in the hospital wad.

She was a great woman, with a gentle voice.

There is 5closest people who pass on, have thought me so much about begin who you are.

Both my gramps' are amazing people who love and hate each other so much, yet they have amazing life stories.

the old house I use to visit, the cooling floor, sound of the t af insects night, unlimited junk food to snack in the fridge.

Grandma, you spoiled us so much I wish I could understand the every words you have spoken to me, I hope mom and dad translate it 

correctly....

Memories will last, every memories have scar my life.

making all the scar worth wild, and memories last by making a rainbow in my heart,by thinking about you.

--Love is not to hold but to cherish for a life time--

shallow thoughts. 6-5-11

I like listening to music, sometime the song just knows the right feeling that I could express all my joy and sadness. Holding up every emotion in my daily life, is easy to say I am fine, I am doing OK.

But deep down no one knows, if i don't want to share.

I barely know what am I suppose to do if I am not busy with work.

Measurement in every aspect in life ain't helping every needs we have.

All the"what if".....  not making anyone happier.

What can I do to make myself feels better?

Tears that substituted water to wash my face, memories that keep a smile on my face.....

The truth do hurts.....

But it is the truth....

Is hard to believe, without seeing it, but sometimes you don't need to see to believe.

I rather, it hurts me... to blame on other.

playing the blame game is not fun....but to step out and take the blame with a sore heart.

Every step that I made in my life, is my decision.... 

I will take my full responsibility on my life.

Have courage to face all the barrier, have courage to face what you did without doubting yourself.

Facing the music in LIFE.

my feelings is like the words the flow from the song.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yT5LOtQSSn8

method

finding some method to end all pains,

finding an easy method,

been reading some effective method.

just need to take a step to do it.

there is a time it will happen.

just to end it!

shallow thoughts 2-5-11

in my mind I've shallows thoughts every single moment in my life, sometime it makes me sad, and sometimes a slight of smile came out me. I've never thought of how will I be in the next 10years, nor I can't even imagine what will happen to me tomorrow.

Living today to the fullest with no regret is it the best motivation? 

or

taking every chances I have?

sometimes living in this earth making filled with frustration.

why life in is so tough, can it end soon?

I believe this is not a dream that happen, this is reality.

Life hurts.
I can't pleased everyone.
things have happen,
I know the reaction and rejection.
But could someone stand in my shoes and think, what is happening in my life.

people advice, I've been tru what you been tru.....(lies)
I know people try to help,
But I think not helping will be a help.

If I have 1 last wish in my life, I would wish for you.
taking away all your sadness and putting only happiness in you.
 

shallow thoughts. 17.04.11

I confess my sorrows my sadness to you, my joy and my happiness. 

People will judge my action but I don't give a shit about other people think.

I give my true word and thoughts only to you. 

I don't know how will it end,  but now I know the feeling is so right, So living for today is important.

And thinking about tomorrow is just a waste of time.

Some how I don't care what people think about me, cause there are not me.

they don't know my feelings. I am living my own life.

I will not regret till the day that I die.

Because, anyone ask who ask me on my death bed, if I'm dying tomorrow. "will you regret what you did".

I will say NO. I did the best thing, and is right and living at this moment, cherishing what we had and been tru.

What do love mean to other people?

Love can't be explain, there is no reason.

sorry

everyone have a bad day,

so... I have one too...

I am sorry I am begin a pussy not admitting the facts, 

that facing in fear and guilt, 

I know I am not suppose to feel this way, and I can't control my feelings.

I am so sorry to hurt your feelings and making it clear,

Is my choice to feel bad and lousy, 

to be honest, 

I should received it like just another day.

Holding fear, anger and guilt on the pass is not going to help me feel better, yet I feel worst.

I am sincerely  apologizing to whom it may concern.

you know who you are. 

I have done things over board, I feel so so so sorry.

truly am making a huge mistake.

Holding up the grouch and putting up the unthinkable mistake I have done.

So sorry.

and I am trying my very best to let the pass be the pass. 

and unfold the future. 

I am such a stupid person some time, and I admit it.

desperation in need your forgiveness.

I am so so so so so so sorry.

sound of the thunder hits and strik.

the sound of rain and thunder always fits in my feeling, it never fails once.

conquering the fear within, is very difficult and when the thunder strikes, I felt it pierce into my heart.

I know I shouldn't fear of all this, yet it hard to deny. I am afraid. 

I asked myself why do I have to be afraid? is just rain and thunder? it is just me?

whipping the rain drops on the window side is like whipping the tears from  my heart. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it breaks my shelter and my comfort fire,

it took away my hope.

making a point

soon I am going to celebrate my 18th again birthday, and everyone is asking me what I want, what I need.

LIST

1. bring me to a good look out point to view sun raise
2. plan an outing without me planning it.
3. bring me to a show that make me laugh like crazy.
4. picnic outing would be nice.
5. give me a joyful day out of the city.

so this is the small little wish list!

 

what if.....

have you ever ask yourself, what will happen in the next hours?

Well I did!

-the break down-

1. ugly thoughts......

2.happy though.......

3.confusing though......

4.confidential though.....

5. keep in view though.....

6. sad though.......

7. mixed feelings though.....

= Brain function =

you your brain operates and it will not stop till your last day in this planet earth.

there is always question floating around.

or a prediction from your brain, things happen!!

~ what if ~

what if I took that job offer?

what if I you never left?

what if I said I love you?

what if I said wait?

what if I didn't ask the question I meant to ask?

what if I didn't respond?

There is a million what if.... but what If I didn't start this blog?

-__-

curiosity make a different.

what is the curiosity level you will have in among you and your other friends?

can you feel or notice any gesture change in their reaction towards every question?

sometime I have a third parties voice and pop up to me and slowly telling me stories.... 

and sometimes it is just me.... 

Is hard to control thoughts that recycle in your head for the pass 24hours, and most of the question that float around you, and you are curious about the answer. Making every step and every movement, words, and action, in-front of someone is difficult.

 

I am neither here or there delima......

Journey of a Princess. episode 1.

Once upon a time....in a far far away land there is a girl, her name is Princess.
One fine lovely evening, there is a breaking news about her friend, name Chili is having a CELEBRATION, and the celebration will be at a beautiful country called India (new Delhi).

A journey of a Princess begins on a night before new year eve, she step into the plan fill with joy and overwhelm to travel to a wonderful celebration.
The amazing unfriendly welcome, by the immigration officer. (good start for the princess journey)
Thank god, there is a helpful princess friend, named uncle Sam is with me. He carry my hand luggage from Malaysia - New Delhi. What a gentleman.... (highly recommended)
It was a 5 unbelievable hours plan ride, with some Hindi pop hits, and I am sure that man sitting 3 rows infront of me do not know who invented the headphones, cause I don't think he have one with him. Just to share...
 ( Nathaniel Baldwin in 1910) he invented it.


After all the hassle (to sleep) and mussels (to stretch) we been on the plan, a friendly smile and a tight HUG from ms. Chili and mr. pumpkin... it makes my princess mind fills with Bubbles popping. (in a good way)
Wonderful time having them picking us up with the lovely Chariot that said (Do Not Honk). 
What a statement, yet again.... 
Is india.... 
is like a greeting....


-----------------------------------------car honking chat----------(less then 1min chat)
Car1
1 honk = hello

Car2
1 honk = hey is you!!


Car 1
2 honk =  could you please move faster?


Car2
2 honk = yea, I would love too... but car 3 in front of me is not moving.
3 honk = sorry car 1, but just hold on a min let me talk to car 3.


-----------------------------------------------------------------
Car 2
1 honk = hey lovely looking good with that bumper tatoo.


Car 3
1 honk= hey, yea I know rite... I dig it too.


Car 2
2 honk = by the way what is happening infront?


Car 3
2 honk = I have no idea let me ask the dude in front of me.


(well hope you get the story.... honking non stop)


--------------------------------------------------9honk in 1min (personal timing)------------------


sometimes it makes me wonder how the honking works, speeding limits not more then 80 km/h?
A mystery for me to find out.


Then after all the honking/welcoming party for the princess on the road, it comes to a point that ms. chili and mr. pumpkin have to feed us with some momos and coffee (Delhi haat) to help me stay awake for another 2hours of jolly tour back to the humble bed I am going to sleep on.

And it was a COLD 1st night. 


TBC 
stay tune on the next episode, Journey of a princess.

shallow thoughts. 11.12.10

Today is 11th December 2010, Saturday. Weekend just for myself, to chill and have some alone time.

A reflection day I could say, when I am alone I love to think and making self notes.

Let me draft the highlights in year 2010.

January,  an active youth group is brain storming.

February, fabulousness friend came to support our church and had an amazing time with my fabulous friends.

March, life changing months, Been over the top and down. Grandma pass away and memorial for my godmom. Went to mission at medan, amazing journey with my Abba. Meet heap of people.

April, turn 23 and meet more amazing people again. Putting myself in place, missing grandmama.

May, took a month off to settle myself and family issue.

June, set up a blog page.... my tears flow like a waterfall. -good memories-

July, Hectic month starts.... work,work,work.

August, WORK like a mad lady getting jobs and planning. Meet bokkie.

September, Been working ever since 6am-12 mid night. lack of sleep. Meet a crazy lady.

October, WORK!!! debbie came and told goodnews!!!

November, party abit, work alot. Dad sick, worried sick!

December, push all my work(short break) till January 2011, trying to sorts things out, getting ready for my holiday in INDIA. Sick for 1week.

wow... looking at it, been working and working, I deserved a break after all. 

Been rebuke from some friend that I need rest... well, thank you... and I will rest. 

I know, is hard for me to slow down and sometime I am inpatient, so I'm learning to let go and let the Lord leads my way. 

REST is all I need, not physically but mentally! 

wish list!

frequent question always comes to me...

Jenny what do you want for Christmas?

I have a serious long list things that I want. Hope you are ready for the long list!

1) MU, T-shirt, with my name on it. (must be original) 

2) A holiday with some friends.

3) Sports rim for my cherry-hot-Sexy

4) Black Fix base ball hat with my name on it (been hunting this since I was 19th) 

5) Fossil bags I have eyed on it!!! 

6) A pair of new balance shoe. (m574skw)

7) Toshiba netbook

8) Brand new out look!!

9) Watch purple G-shock.

10) Watch sun rise.

That is my wish list!

dear dad...

Dear Dad,

Do you remember when I was a child, I use all the tricks to get goodies and making full use of my cuteness to get my way. I know every time I cry it will make you sad. I remembered, mom said don't get any ice cream for the young one, and I secretly tell you I want ice cream, and you will get it for me.... and mom will get furious for a while. (hahahhaa) Rainbow ice cream was my favorite. 
Till now, I still get my ways on you.

Looking at your facial expression I know your in pain physically, and do you know I am in pain too?
You complaint to Mom, your in pain and she called me, and tell me all the complaints you made, and when she advice you, you don't want to hear what she tells you. Arguments always happen, when your stubborn as that.

Listening to your complaint and argument my hearts weeps, I know you hate going to the doctor. But your not your own doctor, you can't go to the pharmacy and make your own prescription. Your intaking most of the medication is not certified by the health department.

How can I advice you, not to be so hard headed. Bring you to the doctors, listening what is going on with you making me worried. Dad, I love you and I want you to get well.

I know, there is no point I am writing this but just to express myself!!!
DAD... I love you!!!

Yours truly,
Daughter!!!

- and +

when you feel pain and hurt is always "-" sign pop up in to your mind, this is not a good thoughts.

when you smile and laugh your head out is it a "+"? do you really feel happy? are you just smiling and laughing cause everyone did it? or your making someone happy? 

truthfully, I am pretty down this few days, randoms thoughts and feelings come and go. 

sometimes is bad to think about negative and positive possibility, and things will happen next.

yet sometimes you can't stop yourself by thinking all the random things that happen.

is out of my control.

sometime I tell myself if I'm always sad and grumpy will it make things better or worst? 

what matters the most? 

I am rushing or too harsh on things?

there is question and question every day, that I ask myself,

holding ON and  LETTING go?

what should I hold ON too, is it worth it to let GO if I don't hold it tight?

my little 1pound brain don't make much senses sometime, it just think and think!

ahhhhhhhh......ALL I NEED IS........

i'm not too sure!!!